While my reputation as an excellent literary scholar and writer is well established, few people recognize my aptitude in history. Despite these distinctions, I prefer to maintain a certain degree of humility; in that spirit, my altruistic nature led me to obscure my genius, and I allowed my friend Ben to rank first in our junior and senior years of high school history, while I relegated myself to the lowly second place. [Incidentally, my benevolence ensured his reception of the prestigious--though ill-named--Don Donkey award for history.]
When one of my tutorees who usually gets writing and verbal assistance began preparing for the SAT II U.S. history exam, he enlisted my help. Notwithstanding my aptitude for the subject, my days in AP U.S. history seemed like history to me. The Battle of Where? Which Amendement was that? Gibbons vs. Who? Fortunately, a little review refurbished my memory, and equipped me with the necessary knowledge.
Here's a sampling of a conversation we had one day while I was quizzing him:
Me: So, who assassinated John F. Kennedy?
Student: Bunyan, Paul Bunyan. No, wait. I meant John Bunyan!
Me: Uh...Paul Bunyan is the fictional lumberjack of American folklore. He had a blue ox named Babe, and supposedly created the Grand Canyon with his axe. Maybe you mean John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated another president. Which president was that?
Student: Grover Cleaveland?
Me: Uh...no. Booth killed Lincoln. [Altogether ignoring the various conspiracy theories, which at this point I deemed too complicated for my student, I continued:] Lee Harvey Oswald shot and killed JFK.
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At the end of the session, I returned to the material which earlier had proved so difficult for my student (yet so entertaining for me).
Me: So who killed Kennedy?
Student: Olsen?
Me: No. Are you referring to Mary-Kate and Ashley? Though they have done a different sort of disservice to society, to my knowledge they have not yet assassinated anyone. Lee Harvey OSWALD shot Kennedy.
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On an unrelated note, here is a conversation that occured today among three of my students (whose names have been changed to protect their identities) during break.
Brittany: Kirt doesn't have bacne [back-acne]; he has it all over his face.
Kirt: Brittany, you're a whore. You have pimples down there.
[Here I intercede, reprimand Kirt for his language, and assure Brittany that he said "you're a horrible person."]
Brittany: What's that? Like yeast infection? Can you see a yeast infection?
Jeremy: No, I don't think so.
Brittany: Yeah, Jeremy would know. He's probably had a yeast infection.
Jeremy: No, I haven't.
Brittany: Yeah right.
[At this point I interupt again and explain that males do not get yeast infections.]
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3 comments:
If that's what you gotta tell yourself to make you feel better about coming in second, it's all good. Hey, next time you come over, I'll let you hold the Don Donkey Award so you'll know what it feels like to be a winner.
Actually, guys can get yeast infections. I had the blessing to treat a "patient," let's call him Ben, with a yeast infection and although he didn't have HIV, he did have diabetes and was uncircumsized. Hopefully, "Jeremy" is a non-diabetic Jew with better penile hygiene than "Ben".
Validating reference:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/male-yeast-infection/HO00172
That reminds me of the time you came home and were so proud to have discovered a penile infection that everyone else missed. I guess the other students aren't as experienced at studying penises as you are.
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