The final delusion...

...is the belief that one has lost all delusions.
--Maurice Chapelain

I haven't gotten to the bottom of all these rejection letters from the grad schools, but I have narrowed it down to two basic possibilities: (a) it's all part of some grand conspiracy, in which the current members of academia are colluding to prevent me from joining their ranks, in the feeble hope of averting my eclipsing their so-called "discoveries" and intellectual contributions; or (b) each university believes that all the other graduate programs will accept me, and, not wanting me to reject their offers in order to pursue a degree at a more prestigious school, they have all sent out pre-emptory "no thank you's".

Perhaps (if you are not well acquainted with the magnitude of my genius) you are wondering why I have chosen these seemingly contrived renditions over the more simple "you weren't as competent as the other applicants" explanation. I will enumerate only a few of my qualifications: I was nominated for the English department's scholarship for excellence in writing; my major GPA is over 3.85; my writing sample is 20 pages of Shakespearian genius--proof of my promise as a literary scholar (and probably intimidated the application committees); circumcised the eighth day, of the stock of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of the Hebrews; concerning the law, a Pharisee; concerning zeal, persecuting the church; concerning the righteousness which is in the law, blameless. Wait, some of those might not have been *my* accomplishments...

In any event, even the admissions officers could not deny my worthiness and overall desirability as a candidate. I will allow the deans of these universities to speak for themselves:

Ms. Ursula K. Heise of Stanford University writes:
We regret to report that the department did not admit you to its graduate program...Each year, many strong candidates must be turned down.

John V. Richardson Jr., Associate Dean of UCLA adds:
We regret to inform you that you were not admitted...many talented and promising students are not recommended for admission by these committees.
We understand that this decision is a disappointment.

William B. Russel, a dean at Princeton:
I regret to inform you that the department was not able to recommend your admission for the forthcoming year...we are unable to offer admission to many who are well-qualified. I regret that you will not be joining us at Princeton. Please accept my best wishes for success in graduate study elsewhere.

Yale's Dean of the Graduate School, Jon Butler:
I regret to inform you that we are unable to offer you admission...we are not able to admit many excellent candidates.

Gale M. Morrison, Ph.D. Acting Dean echoed the sentiments of her colleagues:
I regret to convey to you that your application for admission to UC Santa Barbara has been denied by the Department of English...Sometimes even outstanding applicants whose research interests match closely those of our faculty may not be accepted.

The rejection from Henry C. Pinkham, Dean of Columbia, seems particularly enigmatic, given how highly he praises me in his missive:
With regret, we must tell you that the Committee on Admissions was unable to accept you for admission...we are encouraged by the knowledge that most of our applicants are qualified to gain admission to one of the many other fine graduate schools in the country. We hope that this will be true for you and wish you success in your studies and in your future career.

Perhaps most compunctious is Cornell's James Eli Adams, Associate Professor of English:
I'm very sorry to say that we have not been able to admit you to the graduate program in English at Cornell...we had to turn down a number of very talented people with very impressive records, many of whom no doubt will go on to distinguished careers. We wish you all success in yours.

"Strong candidate," "very talented...with impressive records," "outstanding applicant," "well-qualified," "talented and promising,"--aren't these recommendations in and of themselves? How is it that the same schools that would commend me to "to one of the many other fine graduate schools in the country" are at the same time rejecting me? Something is very, very rotten in the states of Chicago, New York, New Jersey, and California.