The soul of wit[?]

Recently Shui emailed me with the following request:

hi JT. can you translate these two sentences to reflect your most complicated and sophisticated use of diction?

FIRST VERSION: "Can you imagine how bad my mother will look if I'm wearing cubic zirconium on my finger?!?! Oh dear, I can't imagine the hideous thoughts that would circulate through the minds of the upper middle class!"

SECOND VERSION: "Could you possibly begin to fathom what vicious thoughts would be directed towards my mother if I were to possess the most worthless imitation of precious stone on my phalanges?!?! My goodness, I can not even comprehend the treacherous repercussions that would ensue and conversations of travesty that would prevail amongst the bourgeoisie surrounding our commonwealth!"

can you give me your version?

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I suggested:

"Can the mortal mind--though noble in reason, superior in faculties, god-like in apprehension--conceive the social disgrace and utter derision that would be strewn upon my mother (like so many rocks thrown during the stoning of an adultress!), should the spectacle of a counterfeit gemstone upon my hand be brought before public scrutiny? Heavens to Mergatroid, to apprehend the severity of malevolence and sheer disapprobation of the assumptions that would form in the minds of high brow society is not within my cerebral faculties!"

[Complete with a literary allusion to Hamlet, and allusion to classic Hannah-Barbera cartoon.]

I thought it was an interesting exercise, and was curious to see what other variations my friends might put forward. Their responses led me to question the degree to which they understood that the governing instruction was to make the sentence as circuitous and verbose as possible:

David: "Man, this sucks"
Pam: "I'm vain and ungrateful"
Eddie: "Let's elope with ring pops." [Ring pops jokes have been popular with my friends of late...]

Pam wins. :)