Let them Eat Cake

The other day I had a bagel.

...Or, I had what was ostensibly a bagel. I had a baked product derived from wheat flour that was marketed as a "bagel." I had what appeared to be a bagel in shape, size, color, and weight. Yet the form of that iniquitous, fraudulent doughnut belied it's true character: it was just hot dog bread disguised in the visage of a bagel! The flavor of this imposter is best described, in what gourmand-speak is often referred to, as "ew."

Anyone who has had a bagel proper (which is first poached, then baked) knows that its two-step cooking process yields a firm, crispy exterior, and a warm, chewy interior. (Does this describe me in any way? Perhaps I have a firm, uninviting exterior, yet on the inside am soft, warm, and tender?)

Yet, regrettably and somewhat bewilderingly, this incident is not an isolated case: instances of identity theft in the community of baked goods are on the rise. Not too long ago at a movie theatre I had that same, low-quality hot dog bun dough shaped like a pretzel--a very disgusting and unpalatable surprise. But the worst offense, the sort of thing that would have incited me, were I a more litigious person, into a full scale, class action law suit, was this: I had a hot dog bun shaped like a croissant.

I am aware of the righteous indignation the aforementioned misfeasance is likely stirring in the breasts of many a blog-reader sitting in front of their workplace computers, or else resting at home before their PCs while hoping to catch some entertainment. Apologies to those of you whose delicate sensibilities I have offended, but I cannot soley consider light-hearted topics of amusement. There are, in fact, real acts of criminality and issues of social injustice that we must consider and, ultimately, correct.

My hope in promulgating this story is not simply to shock or offend anyone, but to bring members of the blogosphere together to right these wrongs. Was this not of what President Kennedy himself was speaking when he uttered those great words, "Now the trumpet summons us again—not as a call to bear arms, though arms we need; not as a call to battle, though embattled we are—but a call to bear the burden of a long twilight struggle, year in and year out, 'rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation'—a struggle against the common enemies of man: tyranny, poverty, disease, [hot dog buns shaped as croissants,] and war itself."?

Nobel Peace Prize winner Archbishop Desmond Tutu recently took the United States to task over Guantanamo Bay by arguing that the U.S. is losing the moral authority it once enjoyed. The force of his argument came from the assertion that in a democracy, all citizens are responsible for the actions of government, and ultimately, for the course of their society. If this is so, then we are all of us at fault for the decline of quality of our breadstuffs. The pervasiveness of this pernicious problem is an indication of the general decline of the American civilization. Do we stand for truth if the mislabeling of baked goods of all kinds goes unpunished? Do we stand for justice if innocent citizens are left to eek out an existence on substandard "croissants," while the guilty vendors of these products remain unprosecuted? Do we stand for liberty if our people are not free to enjoy a real bagel?

The answer, my friends, is clearly "No." A lesser man might, perhaps, give up on his nation and move to France, where, despite egregiously high taxes, a decrepid and doomed socialist system, and a corpse of an economy, they still understand the importance of bread. And when there is no bread to be had in the Fifth Republic, at least one can still have his cake--and eat it, too.