Genius and Dummy, Part V*

“…In conclusion, I hope that the experiments I have just outlined using the Large Hadron Collider, which will be fully operational by 2008, should provide more insight into the nature of Hawking radiation. (At that time, perhaps I may regain at least a little vindication from John Preskill, and if he proves a generous man, he will be so kind as to buy my a few volumes of an encyclopedia of my choice.) [Modest chuckle from the few reporters who got the “in-joke.”] Of course, since these are experiments intended to enlighten us into about nature of the universe, not merely exercises to confirm our intellectual prejudices, we will proceed with as much objectivity as is scientifically possible. In the spirit of research, I pledge to accept whatever empirical data the experiments yield—except, of course, that which contradicts my own theories. [Chuckles from all the reporters, camera men, and filming crew members.] In all seriousness, the proposed tests should shed considerable light not only on how to reconcile Hawking radiation with the scientific tenet that information cannot be destroyed. My special interest is in whether, at the end of the day, the 11-dimentional superstring theory will prevail over the currently popular 10-dimentional one. At this time, I can open up the floor to some questions.”

It seemed to Alvin, at least by the end of the speech he had prepared from the professor’s notes, that the press conference was going quite smoothly. Perhaps, he mused, this trick will not be so difficult to pull off after all. “Ok, first question, you, in the gray suit in front.” As Steve’s assistant, he was also expected to moderate the question periods for such events.


“Professor Hawking, with all due respect, do you seriously hope to bring an end to the Second Superstring Revolution, and usher in the dominance of your 11-dimentional theory?”

Simple, Alvin told himself, pre-recorded answer number two should satisfy him just fine.

Having entered “002” into the pad of the remote control David had given him, Alvin leaned back in his chair with the same smug smile that was quickly becoming anathema to Professor Hawking. Disarmingly disguised as a cell phone, the devise attracted no attention as Alvin punched in the numbers from the professor’s side at the dais (where Hawking’s pervious assistants had all waited during such conferences). When Alvin took it out, it looked merely like he was checking his phone, or sending a text message. In situations where he needed to be even more clandestine, Alvin could simply keep the handheld device in his pocket, and discreetly punch in the codes. Actually, Alvin had worked well into the night prerecording nearly 300 responses he hoped to use not only at the press conference, but in daily life as well. In total, Alvin planned to eventually have 500 such preprogrammed answers entered into the voice-synthesizer. He could, of course, manually type in original words and phrases if none of his ready-made answers would not satisfy an inquiry, but such frenetic movement in his pocket might attract attention and be misinterpreted as an entirely different sort of activity.

At Alvin’s prompting, the computer-synthesized voice produced a simple “yes.” The terse response elicited another round of laughter from the audience. Besides his genius in his field of study, Professor Hawking was mildly famous for his good sense of humor.

“Next question?” Alvin asked. “You, third row, purple necktie.”

“Dr. Hawking, is it true that you and your wife have filed for divorce at the Cambridge County Court, and does this have anything to do with the allegations that the mysterious broken bones and other injuries were inflicted on you by your wife?”

A look of real pain emanated from the Steve’s eyes, and even Alvin felt sorry for the obvious hurt this line of questioning was inflicting on him. Not to worry, I have a response for this, too. Number 146.

“I’m sorry, but this is a serious press conference for respectable journalists well-versed in science from established, respectable newspapers, journals, and magazines. I specifically requested that reporters from The Sun not be allowed at this briefing.” The burn, of course, was that The Sun is among the sleaziest of the British tabloid press—an institution in which it is no mean feat to distinguish oneself by the sheer magnitude of the sleaze one mass-markets to gossip-hungry Brits. Not surprisingly, Steve looked rather pleased at this rejoinder, despite the fact that he was actually neither its creator nor its deliverer.

Alvin ostensibly congratulated Steve with a “Well said, Professor.” And with that pat on his own back, Alvin continued running the show. “Next, the lovely lady in the dark rimmed glasses. Yes, you.”

“While no one can deny your brilliance and the tremendous contributions you’ve made to fields including cosmology, quantum gravity, and general relativity theory, (among others), many theoretical cosmologists believe the certainty with which you articulate of your ideas smack of arrogance. With the fact that you’ve already had to concede at least some errors about black hole radiation, don’t you think you should speak with a little more caution and tentativeness?”

Ha! Piece of cake. Number 206.

“Two lumps please, and very little cream: I suffer from mild lactose intolerance.” Again, chuckles from many of the journalists, but this time, not laughter to Alvin’s or Steve’s liking.

“I’m sorry, I don’t think I follow Dr. Hawking. Is this another inside joke with you and John Preskill, or—”

“There will be absolutely no follow-ups!” interrupted Alvin nervously. The cause of this slightly embarrassing mishap was finger slippage. “Next, you right there, second from the right.”

“It is now widely understood that heterotic string theories SO(32) and E8×E8, as well as type IIA and IIB can be related by Type-T duality, which can also reconcile the type II theories with the type I theory. Moreover, Type-S duality can link the type I and heterotic theories. Given this hyper-connectivity among the five most accepted superstring models, (plus the fact that if the 11th dimension in M-theory can easily be manipulated to yield both IIA and heterotic E8×E8), why is there still so much support for a 10-D model?”

Ok, relax. This one is pretty complicated, but probably nothing that can’t be explained using good ol’ 236. Or was it 237? No, maybe 137? This isn’t looking good…Alvin was clearly loosing his cool. Meanwhile, the professor’s eyes were (once again) rolling in their sockets. Clearly the explanation seemed simple to him, if he could only communicate his answer to the press. In his state of confusion, which was exacerbated by the minor catastrophe that had just befallen him, he could not definitively choose the correct number, and hoped that 137 would do the trick.

“So, even given my disability, I’m better in bed than that fully mobile Dave ever was, right?” This time, the only ones in the room who weren’t trying to hide fits of suppressed giggling were Alvin and Steve. Fortunately, Alvin had prepared for just such an eventuality, the code “911,” which he quickly dialed into his control.

“I’m so sorry, I think the ALS has gotten the best of me; I’m in dire need of some rest, please excuse me.” This emergency code was programmed for both personal and professional use, and Alvin could not have found a better time to have used it (except perhaps before both of his little button-pushing mishaps).

“Well, you heard the professor. It looks like that will have to rap things up for today. Thank you all for coming, and please be on the lookout for another press update sometime early next month.” And having said that, Alvin wasted no time in using the remote control to steer Steve and his wheelchair out of the press room as quickly as possible.


*Sorry for the considerable delay between parts IV and V. Actually, writing part V has held up the uploading of many other articles which I’ve already written and are waiting in the queue for publication. The “conclusion” of the press briefing (as well as the question and answer portion) required some investigation on String Theory, which consequently led to studying M-Theory, which proved incredibly abstruse; even the “Simplified M-Theory” on Wikipedia was not quite so simple as some might have hoped. One thing led to another, and by the end of my research, I had read articles on loop quantum gravity, supergravity, perturbation theory, quantum gravity, the Large Hadron Collider, Hawking radiation, and the black hole information paradox. I find that after all this reading, I am much more confused about theoretical physics and quantum theory than I was before.