Mistake #1: Sex Talk
On the shuttle from the airport to our plane, Danny and I saw a pair of Chinese women who appeared to be eyeing us. "They're looking at us," I told him. "They probably think I'm the sexiest man they've ever seen. Should I go over and offer to give them the best sex they've ever had?" At this point the women appeared to be whispering something to one another. Normally I would never think such ridiculous, brazen statements, let alone say them aloud, but I felt like taking advantage of the language barrier by being as ridiculous and brazen as possible.
"You should be careful," Danny admonished. "Maybe they can understand you."
"Relax! No one in these rural parts of China understands English."
"Okay," he responded in that doubt-infused, don't-say-I-didn't-warn-you tone, "but you never know..."
That was, of course, the cue for one of the ladies to approach us, and introduce herself—to my horror, in English. "I recognize you from the summer," she said politely to Danny. "You taught the English classes at Number One Middle School. Am I right?" Danny responded in the affirmative as I stood beside him in abject mortification.
Lesson: Be more circumspect about the listening comprehension of those in my vicinity before blurting out sexually lurid comments.
Mistake #2: "Niu bie"
After landing at our destination, the women from Mistake #1 offered to give us a ride from the airport into town to save us the 20人民币 in bus fare. In the car, one of the ladies asked if we had eaten. My hunger compelled me to respond very quickly that we hadn't, at which point one female traveling companion asked if we would like to join her for lunch. Danny made some rather un-subtle facial expressions to indicate to me that he would rather not accompany them, but again, hunger forced my hand, and I accepted.
"你习惯吃辣的吗?" she asked. ("Are you accustomed to eating spicy food?")
"Yes," I said, willing to eat just about anything at that point.
"Are you sure? Are you sure spicy is okay?"
"Yes, I like spicy food. Danny?"
(A little grudgingly:) "I can eat spicy, too."
So it was settled: against Danny's protestations we would dine with our new friends. At this point, things were looking up. Based on a few other conversational snippets in the car, I surmised that their English was probably not good enough to have understood my explicit comments on the shuttle.
…On the other hand, I thought to myself, maybe they did understand me, and they're taking me back to some restaurant to wine and dine me, and wine me some more, and then they'll try to extract sexual favors in return.
Well, we arrived at the restaurant, and as you have probably already deduced from the fact that there are "two" Chinese mistakes, it was my latter hypothesis that turned out to be correct, and "niu bie" is Chinese slang for "sexual favor." [And at this point, I'm wondering whether posting this online for all the world to read will constitute my "Third Chinese Mistake."] Putting some alcohol into my system really lowered my carnal inhibitions, and I'm not the type to kiss and tell, but you can guess where things ended up…
Just kidding. I had you going there for a second, though, right? Anyway, we got to the restaurant, and the place was redolent with the smell of…I'm not sure how to describe it, but as soon as we entered, Danny turned to me and said, "that's niu bie."
"What's 'niu bie'?"
"You know, you've had it before on one of your other trips to China."
"No, I haven't. I would definitely remember something that smelled like this."
"Are you sure? I'm pretty sure you've had it before. It's basically the innards of the cow. And do you know whose fault it is that we're here? It's yours because I told you we shouldn't have come to eat with them."
"I thought it would be a chance for us to treat them to lunch, since they drove us from the airport into town. Plus, maybe we're not eating 'niu bie.' Maybe they're going to order something else for us," I said hopefully.
"Nope. It's niu bie for sure. The people from around here love it."
We sat at the table, and our travel companions introduced us to their friends, most of whom were already there expecting us. After a few minutes, lunch was served, and sure enough, it was a big, boiling pot of a milk coffee-colored broth, into which organs which looked completely alien in origin were dumped. At first, I fished around for the few pieces of meat I could find, but then decided that that might strike them as rude and ungrateful. Also, I was curious to try this 'niu bie' and report back to my readers on the experience. Reluctantly, I picked up a small piece with my chopsticks and dipped it into some hot sauce. It had a rather bitter flavor; the closest thing to which I can compare it is bittermelon. The texture was quite chewy, but the overall sensation was not as bad as I had expected.
After we finished lunch and were on our way to the place where I will be staying for the next three months, Danny explained to me reason for the niu bie hotpot's brown color: "Basically they take the cow intestines, and they squeeze all the contents out into the soup. It's cow poo!"
"OMG, you've gotta be kidding, right? Who would knowingly eat cow poo?" (Notice, sadly, how at this stage in the game I needed to insert the adverb "knowingly" because just moments before I myself had partaken of the bovine dung.)
"Nope. They think it's healthy for you, and they think it's delicious." (This is true: during lunch, they kept telling me to eat more of the niu bie because it's "good for your health.")
Lesson: Do not accept dining invitations in China until you have ascertained what exactly will be served.
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