Medieval Times

In what appears to be a case of nostalgia-gone-wild, some of my friends have developed a bewildering (and, in my view, slightly regrettable) attraction to Medieval Times. Take for example, Alvin, whose parents took him there for his birthday dinner. [Really? For his 27th birthday—not his 7th? I could go on about this one, but there's no need to belabor the point. The Chans are nice people, but nice people don't always make good decisions on selecting celebration venues.] Or Kevin, who selected 7662 Beach Boulevard Buena Park, CA as the destination for a date with his gf, Brina. (And say what you want about the atmosphere not being sexy, romantic, or worth the $51.95 cost of admission, but know this: a month later, Kevin asked Brina to accompany him a second time to the "dinner and tournament"—and she accepted!)

All of this leads one to wonder: What would an evening in the dark ages really be like? (One is tempted to believe that the knights of yesteryear did not employ the Internet to advertise their "European-style Castle featur[ing] Knight Club (with DJ & dancing), extensive gift shop, Museum of Torture, [and] two full bars." Equally dubious is the "1,116 seat, air conditioned arena [which] features state-of-the-art sound, lighting and special effects systems for the ultimate tournament experience.")

The air would certainly be "conditioned," albeit with the fetid aroma of rotting food, urine, and the fecal debris that was thrown out into the streets. Certainly the "lighting and special effects systems" would have consisted of candles that hardly rendered enough incandescence to see much of anything (which is probably for the better, since most modern guests would be repulsed by the rats scurrying to and fro). Those with constitutions hearty enough to withstand the stench and un-sanitation would dine not on roasted chicken and spare ribs, but half a pint of gruel and an unwashed carrot stick.

I also rather doubt one's entire medieval experience would consist of sitting around leisurely and watching jousting. The majority of the patrons should probably be laboring in the fields—poor pawns toiling away from sunrise to sunset under the scourge of serfdom. When their day's work is done, Medieval Times partons would retire in their burlap vestments to their cottages to spend the night freezing together on the floor. Those who find this life unbearable might be comforted to know that they wouldn't have to endure it for very long: life expectancy would be somewhere between 20-30 years. And as they exit the venue, every third guest would be struck dead by the Black Death.

Ahhhh...the good ol' days.