So You Think You Can Stalk, Part I

My vest was starting to "pill". For those of you unfamiliar with garment jargon [I was deliberating between that term and the slightly-more-alliterative "vestment vernacular"], "pilling" is the process in which the fibers of an article of clothing begin to form little, unsightly "balls", typically caused by friction with skin, accessories (such as bag straps), or other pieces of clothing. I had two vests (both from high school) that were pilling something awful, so it was time to throw them away buy replacements at the Cerritos Mall.

Entering the mall through Macy*s, I noticed a group of punk Asians; I wouldn't have take much notice, but they had cool hair. I, however, was a man on a mission, and had little time to spend admiring unique 'dos. "Onward, Christian consumer-soldier!" I commanded myself. As I exited Macy*s, I noticed that Bath & Body Works already has flocked, faux evergreens and gigantic red tree ornaments adorning their window display. The window itself has been frosted with that fake, white aerosol concoction.

"It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas," I commented to myself, noting that Halloween has not yet arrived. The holidays really do come earlier every year; pretty soon we'll be doing Christmas shopping around Independence Day, and Labor Day sales will be rescheduled to Groundhog's Day. The sight of this red, green, and white spectacular in mid-October (especially because the mercury was in the 90's only a week ago!) threw me off kilter, as if I were experiencing some sort of seasonal jetlag. The sensation was only heightened when I noticed, just outside Bath & Body Works, a small cart offering Hawaiian-themed shirts with a hibiscus print, lays made of plastic flowers, and other pseudo-tropical goods. I dismissed the feeling as "another rift in the time-space continuum", and continued my vest quest.

As I passed Guess (against whom I had carried a long-standing boycott, which I dropped as soon as they stopped using Paris Hilton as their spokesmodel), I passed the punk Asians again...only this time, something was different.

"Isn't that...?" I asked myself with an ambivalent mix of skepticism and hope. No, it can't be. But who else has that hairstyle? No, what are the odds he'd come to the Cerritos mall? Well, it is a very good mall, and he does live in Downey. But it's so unlikely I'd have a celebrity sighting in Cerritos; this isn't Westwood, Newport, or Beverly Hills. But that hair: it's so distinct. Well, if it is him, I will definitely have something interesting about which to blog!

Knowing that these circuitous, interior dialogues can sometimes last for hours--if not days--I decided the best course of action would be to view this would-be celebrity from the side or front, to confirm (or repudiate) my suspicion. Walking casually (but swiftly) about 10 feet to his left, I swiped a glance. It couldn't have been longer than a fraction of a second, but it was more than enough to realize my hope: Ryan the-craziest-breaker-ever from So You Think You Can Dance [hereafter "SYTYCD"] was walking in the Cerritos mall not 7 paces from me!

I wasn't celebrity-shocked, or even giddy. I was experiencing a sort of high, but I think it's the high I usually get when I know I've been "right" about something. I love being "right".

I can't lose him, I told myself. This is only like my third celebrity sighting. [Well, four if you count the time I met one of the Beach Boys on an airplane coming back from Hawaii. The other two are Brandon Call from Step by Step, and AJ McLean--Backstreet Boy--with his girlfriend at the Ralph's in Westwood.] Don't be too obvious. The distinction between "excited fan" and "psychotic stalker" is a very fine one in this situation.

My first step, was naturally, to call my cohort in all things: Pam. We had watched SYTYCD faithfully every week; we voted for Ryan (then later for Melody and Blake after Ryan was voted off). After appraising Pam of my good fortune in finding this pot of gold breaker, I called Alvin.

"Alvin! You will never--NEVER--guess who's at the Cerritos mall. Ok, just take a couple of guesses and I'll tell you. No, not him. No, not her either: it's someone I would want to see at the mall. No. Ok, ready? It's Ryan from SYTYCD! For sure it's him, he's with his crew, a bunch of punk-looking Asians with spikey hair." From here I go on to tell him the information already recounted in this blog (sans the "Bath & Body Works time-space anomaly").

"Are you busy? Well, that can wait, can't it? Please come down here right now with a camera. I can't blog about this without proof, and I don't have a camera. No, I don't have a camera phone. I think they're pretentious. A phone is a phone, and a camera is a camera. Drive as fast as you can, because I don't know how long he's going to be here."

Will Alvin make it in time? Will Ryan escape our hero's best attempts at stalking? Tune in tomorrow, same bat-time, same bat-blog.