So You Think You Can Stalk, Part III

Despite the hapless misadventure of Saturday, I remain undeterred in my quest for photographic proof of my encounter with the person to whom Ben (cruelly, and erroneously) referred to as a "C-list celebrity". Let it be noted that most of my students at work recognize the name "Ryan Conferido". Let it also be noted that I do not pseudo-stalk anyone who does not meet the minimum requirement of "B-list celeb." I lead a busy life, and I have standards.*

Knowing that he's most likely unlisted, I nonetheless tried the online personal yellowpages. No use: that would have been too easy and un-blogworthy. Hope was starting to wane--and fast!

It was like something from MacGyver: he's stuck in a cave that's rapidly filling up with water. He's just tried making an impromptu bomb from dental floss, a toothpick, an Andes mint, and fingernail clippings. Unfortunately, the dental floss-to-mint ratio was off, so the homemade explosive wasn't powerful enough--but now all those materials are spent. To make matters worse, a 12-foot shark has just entered! [Yikes!] Think, MacGyver, think! The only solution: trick the shark into ramming a hole into the side of the cave. For bait, he has a buffalo nickel, pocket lint, his American Express and...what's this? That trusty piece of shark bait he's kept handy for just such an occasion!

Like the fortuitous MacGyver, I had one trick up my sleeve, the perfect trick--one that would be almost useless in any situation except for the very one in which I had found myself. Oh blesséd Providence! I cannot reveal my secret knowledge to the Internet community at large(for fear that it should fall into the wrong hands), but there is a little known way to obtain just the information I needed. As far as I know, it's completely legal, and only renders data that is in the public domain. So I was able to acquire an unlisted address.

Now, reader, perhaps you are shaking your head sadly while thinking, "Oh, the depths to which JT has sunk." (Perhaps you thought that long ago, in "So You Think You Can Stalk, Part I"). Or perhaps you are aghast at just how cunning and relentless I can be in pursuing the realization of my ambitions. (Just ask Pam, Chula, or Linda about my behavior before or during the Harvard MUN conference--but that is another blog entirely).

I do not invite your pity, nor do I accept your ridicule. Laud my ingenuity, wonder at the various avenues I have found toachievee that which would be unattainable to most mortals--but view me not with dejection or scorn. [Aren't these lines from the Creature in Mary Shelley's Frankenstein?]

So clearly I cannot simply ring his doorbell and request a photo. No, that would truly seem freakish and psychotic. He would wonder how I found his (unlisted) address. Itoccurredd to me that I could go "door-to-door", pretending to sell something (life insurance? girl scout cookies?). But all my genius would be for naught if a parental unit greeted me at the door instead of their break dancing son. The cogs in devious mind began churning once more: What would Sun Tzu do? What would out-do Sun Tzu? I could make a fortune off "W.W.S.T.D." bracelets with that catchy little motto!

Then I had it! [Later, I will refer to this as "Plan B":] I will go to his neighborhood, follow him to whatever destination he drives (maybe the hardware store, maybe the movies, maybe the mall again), then PRETEND to run into him! It's so brilliant, yet so simple! Somewhere in China, Sun Tzu is rolling over with envy in his grave! Upon "coincidentally" meeting him, I will ask for a photo, and ask three (carefully premeditated) questions:

1. So how did you get the idea to do a backflip onto your head, and how long did it take to learn that?
2. What 's one thing you learned while on SYTYCD?
3. If you knew from the beginning that you wouldn't win, would you still have chosen to do the show?

Geeze, I'm a regular Barbara Walters, minus the 7-figure income and botox; plus ALOT more work in securing these so-called "interviews". People are lined up around the block to be interviewed by her...but she probably had humble beginnings--just like mine.

To maintain some semblance of sanity, I will go "shopping" at the mall again this Saturday and wait for my "interviewee" to show up. If I don't run into him, I will resort to the aforementioned "plan B". You'll have to wait until at least Saturday for the conclusion of this series. Stay tuned! :)


*Editor's Note: Again, this is not so much about the celebrity factor as it is about perceived "winning". I set an objective, and since it is still within my power to reach said aspiration, I will work toward that end. Nonetheless, I do have standards, and certain, unrecognizable celebrities (like most authors, poets, Speaker of the House, Minority leader of the Senate, etc.) would not be worth the photo, since most people couldn't distinguish between them and Tom, Dick, or Harry.