Walk in the ways of thine heart, and in the sight of thine eyes

...but know thou, that for all these things God will bring thee into judgement. (Ecclesiates 11:9)


I had dinner with Shui and Alvin tonight. After dinner we went back to Shui's place, hung out a little and just talked. Shui asked about ways that he could pray for me. As I answered his series of questions, a realization came upon me, slowly, the way the clouds roll in before a storm: I am dissatisfied with my life.

In my thinking, dissatisfaction is usually tantamount to saying "I am displeased with my portion from God. He has provided, but it is insufficient. Therefore, because I know better than God what is suitable and profitable for me, I want a refund, or at least an exchange." Hence, I am usually very quick to surpress the winters of my discontent.

Shui, however, holds a theology strikingly antithetical to mine. "I think all things are from God, except sinful things. If you're discontent, then that can be a sign that you should change something. Have you thought about how you can change your life?"

I had to confess that I had given it very little thought. Given my generally adverse reaction to discontentment, I cannot say that this should have been surprising. But the more I thought, the more I saw that there are rather egregious, unaddressed areas of my life, like my pride and selfishness. To change would mean acknowledging that I've been in sin for quite some time. To change would mean admitting that a large portion of my life has been wasted, has been displeasing to God. The "to change" camp was quickly losing support. It did not seem very glamourous.

Conversely, "not to change" would mean continuing in my wayward life, nonchalantly sweeping my problems under the proverbial rug, and complacently continuing on my merry way. Down the road however, my pride and selfishness would still need to be addressed; only they would be more menacing, because I would have been feeding them, grooming them, nurturing them longer. The "to change" camp was quickly gaining momentum...it soon won the election by a landslide.

I thought about much of this while taking a walk around Cerritos library, which is nice at night.



I'm taking a day or two off from the blogs to think more about all of this.