Genius and Dummy. Part I

The Associated Press article mentioned in this fictional creation is an actual news story from the AP wire. (While it is no longer available on CNN.com, it can be viewed here.) In fact, the article was the genesis of my ideas for this piece; I imagined what kind of person would be suited for the task of personally assisting Mr. Hawking, and my thoughts spiraled toward the ridiculous until I arrived the following:

As on any other day, Alvin hit the snooze button once, but only once—he contemned pressing it any more as decadent and self-indulgent—before rolling out of bed and getting ready for work. As on any other day, he embarked on his 90 minute crusade against the L.A. traffic. And as on any other day, he checked his email and browsed the morning news before beginning another arduous workday of chatting on the internet and surfing on the web.

But that is where the similarities with a typical day ended. While reading the goings-on of the world, Alvin came across an article from the Associated Press via CNN.com entitled “Wanted: Assistant for Stephen Hawking,” beginning as follows, “Wanted: bright graduate student to assist world-famous scientist. International travel, developing computer systems and dealing with the press required. Renowned astrophysicist and best-selling author Stephen Hawking has announced he is looking for a graduate student to work for him one to two years.”

“I could do that,” Alvin mused to himself. Dealing with large groups of people, particularly verbally adept and aggressive groups like the press, would prove challenging and outside his area of comfortability, but, reasoned Alvin, it would ultimately prove a minor inconvenience relative to the payout he hoped to gain.

The larger hurdle to overcome was, of course, the requirement that an applicant to the assistantship be a “graduate student.” Alvin was not, nor had he ever been a graduate student of anything anywhere, let alone a specialist in theoretical astrophysics, the discipline from which Professor Hawking would most likely expect candidates to come. His less-than-germane background notwithstanding, after pulling in a few long overdue favors at his alma mater and some massive bribery, in a matter of days Alvin found himself endowed with a handsome, prestigious (and spurious) fellowship that would have normally taken several years to obtain.

From there, the rest was really quite simple: he faxed over his newly enhanced resume to Professor Hawking’s office at Cambridge, and with a few minor snags, passed the over-the-phone interview. He was invited to England for an in-person interrogation by the professor himself, during which time Alvin’s observations about the bizarre nature of the professor’s computer-assisted speech were confirmed. And although Alvin’s sometimes-awkward style of conversation might have hurt him in any other interview, Professor Hawking, perhaps biased by his own lumbering method of communication, found it oddly endearing. This unexpected advantage, coupled with his inimitable resume, made Hawking’s choosing of Alvin all but inevitable.

Happy indeed was the look on Alvin’s face upon receiving the congratulatory phone call from the professor’s secretary. So overjoyed, in fact, was he that Alvin was barely able to muster the focus needed to pack his things in compliance with the secretary’s insistence that he fly back to Cambridge “at once” to commence his assistantship to the renowned physicist, Commander of the British Empire, and best-selling author.

Thus began Alvin’s two year tenure as the official assistant to Professor Stephen W. Hawking.